Recalling the demons of my own, we are but mannequins

 

He’d been whipping my ass until it stung raw, but this was no punishment; not this time.  This time, i had requested this as my ‘reward’ for good behavior.  What was happening to me?  This violent passion, these traipses across the delicate ‘boundary’ we created when we were embarking on this excursion into sin and darkness; lines were being crossed without abandon.

Hit me harder, harder.  I need your pain, I need to feel that passion, the violence lingering between your atoms, the very agony that stitches you together is the same passion that fuels my fidelity.

Like a moth drawn to the heat of demise, this is what I need to survive… or to self-destruct; my passions care not for the difference between the two.  Tonight, you need only express your most base instincts, I know I can take it.

Your fingers skip the formalities my lithe young body craves and find their mark with the precision of a practiced gentleman.  Rather forcibly, you make your way into me with a marked violence I can’t say I’ve experienced until tonight, but I am not disappointed.

The force with which we shatter as one is far beyond my few inexperienced years on this planet yet enough to grant me a foresight I do not deserve.

Finally, I cry out so loudly you recall yourself and grant me the slightest reprieve.  Panting, I beg with my every movement for You.  Any form of you that you are willing to grant me.

And satisfy you do.  With every adept movement, I am pushed further and further to the brink of my limits, somehow enticing you to the brink of yours as well.

It looks as though I’ve lucked out; it would seem as if your need for release comes right as my body can take no more and involuntarily, I shudder against you, crying out against my own resolve.

I lay spent and exhausted on a bed I know I will have to depart before I can fully rest.

Because that’s what we are.  We connect but the opposite charges that fill us also keep us apart.  So we bounce off of one another, colliding and departing in such a dramatic fervency that we can’t seem to keep our wits about us for even a fragmentary amount of time; sparks fly between us instead of affections.

Eventually, you make it clear that you are finished with me for the night and i am to return to my confined chamber you call a mercy.

As I pass you on my way, garments gathered in my arms, your slender fingers grace my shoulders… we make eye contact:

“You are a mystery, my doll.”

 

 

“And while you’re outside looking in, describing what you see; remember what you’re staring at is me.”

 

~ana

…They just seem a little weird…

 

 

Tuesday morning (a lesson with Mr. L.T.):

“Ana… Ana?”

“Huh?”

“Are you listening?”

“To what?  To you?”

“Obviously.”

“Of course not.  Why would I do such a dumb thing?”

“Because if you don’t, I will speak with your father which will lead to a conversation he will have with you.  And if I’m right, that’s not something you want.”

In spite of myself, I pale like a coward.

“I don’t feel like doing math.  Teach me more Italian.  I’m bored.”

“Italian is a reward for good behavior which I haven’t seen from you in quite some time.”

“But it’s what I want to learn.  La ragazza legge a l’uomo.” Let’s do more of that!”

“But it won’t get you into a good college.”

“I don’t care!”

“But your father does.”

“And just what do you think you know about my dad?”

“Well, I know he prefers ‘father’ over ‘dad’.  Here, I pulled your things out already. Let’s review what we worked on last week.”

“No.”

“What?”

“I said no.”

“Young lady-”

“No!  You know nothing about my life; all the fucked up things I went through, the ones I still go through… all you care about is following ord-”

“I know how much you mean to your father.  Especially you.  And stop back talking, or he will hear about that too.”

Something in the way he said that first part made me pause.  The look in his eyes, the inexplicable gleam.  Something wasn’t right.  Someone wasn’t telling me something… again.

“What. Do. You. Know.”

“Sit down and start your lesson.”

“Not until you tell me who you really are.”

An impatient sigh.

“I am your tutor and I have the unfortunate duty of ensuring that you make it into a good college so that…”

“Shut up!”

“Excuse me?”

“Who are you really?”  And then, “How do you really know my dad?”

A whisper escapes my lips, “What is going on?”

Mr. L.T.’s eyes finally soften infinitesimally.   My eyes meet with the human fragment of him for the first time ever.  Maybe I will finally get some answers after all these years.

“It’s true, I know your ‘father’ in a different sense than you probably think.”

I didn’t like the way he said ‘father’.  It hinted at more than I wanted to consider.

“As a matter of fact, I know more about your father and yourself than you probably want to believe.”

“Wha-!”

“Hush!  I was hired to protect you in your father’s absence.  He can’t always be around to chase after you; he has to work, you know. You are a troublesome brat and were my opinion important, things would be quite different at this time.”

I was speechless, the implications of it all…

“Your father and I have known each other for quite some time; before you even came to him in fact.”

This was news to me.  I’d always assumed he was hired after i became a part of Daddy’s life.

“I know he values you above all things and it is my job to ensure that you never put yourself in anymore stupid, reckless situations.  I have to keep you safe.”  His impatient sigh indicated that this was a job he would rather not be responsible for.

Unbidden, the memory of my most recent stupid decision flits through my head, causing my entire face to flush dark red.  It was the moment of weakness that Mr.L.T. needed.

“Get to working.  Homework is due tomorrow.  You know how I feel about deadlines.”

“Are you serious? Do you really think that that’s what’s on my mind right now? Tell me what you know about my father. Why did he hire you? And what do you know about me?”

” nothing more than you should know as a matter of fact, so get to work and stop asking me so many questions.”

 

What the flying fuck is going on with my life sometimes…?  (This was seriously a conversation in my life…?)

 

Ana

I called it the moonsea

It is a cruel dream

At the end of my day

Your gravity reaches so far away…

 

Please take me back to that time of innocence,

white panties and stockings.

Plaid skirts and your fingers flitting across my bare skin

the time before a marked maidenhead.

 

The wine in my immatured system is overwhelming.

I can think of nothing but lust’s logical conclusion.

 

“Mmm, Daddy? ”

“Yes, princess?”

“Who else have you loved besides me?”

A pause, silence extending…

“Many others, I suppose.”

“Did you love them more than me?”

“There’s no such thing, Ana.  You’ll learn that someday. Put the ball gag back on, you’re in trouble enough.  Spread your legs, I want to take a good look at you.  Mmm, you are so very young and supple, dear.”

“Daddy?”

“Yes?”

“Is it going to hurt tonight?”

“I’m afraid so, dear.”

“But…”

“Shhh,  i’ll be fast.”

***

He was.

The paddle came down swiftly, swung deftly by a man who knew how to use it well.

Slap after slap, my voice raised incrementally with every yelp that escaped my trembling lips.

“Take it, baby.  I’m so proud of you.”

“Yes-ah!-Daddy!”

‘all the violence that i swore/ You can have back…’

“God, Daddy, please!”

He only pushed me further and further; my body bending and reacting in ways I’d never felt before.  The ecstasy pooling in my lower belly, building into a crescendo capable of washing my mind completely blank; rendering me hopelessly tangled in the sheets and the ever-growing complexities of our ongoing battles.

Your blazing eyes holding a silent contract with mine made me certain that there would never be a true victor; that the battle lines would be forever drawn with our bodies being the only reprieve, our temporary truce.

As you push yourself into me more and more violently, I realize that I need this as much as you do… maybe more.  You need the violence, the force; you need to conquer.

I need to feel the sheer force of your passions, every ounce of strength you possess, I need to feel all of it; all of you.

The evils that reside within us need to be exercised , need to be purged.  I will be your priestess, but I will ask for all of you in return.